Phoenix Wolf Rising


Busy life

I’ve been busy, really busy! And I’ve got the start of another cold! 20 days later than my last post and now! I’m just needing some time when I’m not running around like a crazy person! 

So she called the police about her stuff in the garage! Shows what an idiot she is that she thought they’d force me to allow her free access when I’m not there which is what she wanted. She didn’t tell them I’d already been offering her access for months or to give me boxes to pack her stuff for her to pick up!  I’m done, really done! She’s stooped so low that I now regret ever meeting her. I became a JP the day before too and had been really proud and happy for the first time in a while! 

Seems to be her game though that she sees me happy and then does something to fuck with me. If she’s so happy why is she so involved with revenge when I haven’t done a thing!???

I took her forgranted but I also trusted her that I was her one and our relationship was paramount! She’s a liar about everything, I feel sorry for the bogan she’s living with. One day she will get the same treatment, except she’s likely to retaliate, nothing surer! 

She’s welcome to that toxic drama every day she’s with her! I had nothing but drama and even now that I want nothing to do with her she’s still trying to create drama for me! 

I’M DONE THIS TIME.  FINALLY!  She’s gone too far, now I just want her gone. I’ve got my life and it’s peaceful without her in it. That’s the way it’s staying too! 


Running on empty

I’m exhausted and am coming down with something. 6 weeks being in charge then trying to fit a week’s work into a day and a half, being asked if I was a lesbian (c’mon!!! I have a goatie beard and moustache! I do keep them trimmed short but they are visible!) And then spending 4 days in a row at Suicide Prevention Australia Conference! 

Was glad to spend Saturday afternoon with friends. I was meant to be meeting a couple for drinks at night, but they hadn’t been in touch and I felt so shitty so didn’t contact them either. I ended up lying on the couch with hot blackcurrant and honey with paracetamol chasers! Well sleeping to be more precise! Wakened at 2.47am and didn’t sleep very long in bed before finally getting up at 7.30am. 

Anyway that curtailed my Sunday as still felt shitty so no memorial garden for me! Work instead for most of day before ditching my plans for the evening as again the couch beckoned, this time to 1.42am! Am taking Thursday and Friday off! 

Hopefully I can get through two days audit! 😂

I never learn with some people 

I really never do! I get taken advantage of and there is nothing like the sour taste of such terrible treatment at the hands of someone you love! 

But that’s just it really, I took her forgranted when she was with me, (I can no longer say convincingly that she was ever MINE,) but I feel guilty and stupid that I lost her. 

That smarter part of me tells me that she’s incapable of love or consideration of anyone other than herself and that this is what she does, she has history and here’s even more for me. So many people believe that. That and she just pretended to need comforted so she got what she wanted it and then when she didn’t need it anymore, she would just do what she wanted and break the rules.

Whatever scenario is correct, I won’t retaliate. I actually physically can’t! If I could I would have by now and there’s tons of things I could do, I just cant! You see when I said forever, I ACTUALLY meant it! 

However, when I was sitting at my desk writing an issues paper about LGBTI domestic and family violence all I could think of was I’m not the person she thinks I am! It’s like she’s never known me at all. It’s really sad that she thinks I’m this other person, one because we were together almost 5 years and what a waste and 2 that she really never did love me, I was just a shiny new project that she grew tired of just like everything she starts and doesn’t ever finish.

I actually felt really sorry for her until I saw her face today when I started to speak to her. I knew straight away she was about to run out and make a scene, it’s what she does when she doesn’t want to explain herself! 

She forgets the most important, actually the most vital thing! The power of 3.

The joys of being a teenager are many!!!

I was recently speaking to someone about this second puberty and how awful but not quite so this one is compared to the first one! 

It breaks my heart hearing yet another young person is being forced to endure a puberty that may break them. I could talk at long length about these issues, but this is not the place for them and skill get to the point.

I was stood up last night! I’ve only ever been stood up once before on my 21st birthday! I’m not sure how I feel about it either. Last night I was glad as I really didn’t feel like being sociable and apart from sex which I am almost getting desperate for I wasnt missing anything. I actually enjoyed my night in watching tv with everything else switched off! 

Anyway looks like I still need to find a fuck buddy as not acceptable to not even text! I cancelled date I had for tonight too with a new guy as just not in the mood, pity they couldn’t unscrew their cocks and I could just borrow it and hand back when I was satisfied! 😂

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy! 

I got drunk last night for the first time in forever! I laughed, smiled and chatted to people like I was happy and relaxed. But if they had really paid attention they would’ve seen how quickly I was knocking back those rums! 

I’m just lonely I keep telling  myself! 

I miss her more than I can put into words. I miss being at her feet, I believed for the first time that I would be there forever just days before she left. I constantly have panics in my head for no reason.

So I stopped writing there and this is me 3 days later! Calm again! I think it was because I missed my shot for a couple of days, my hormones are a pain and react quickly to any change! 

But it’s true I miss her more than I can put into words. I try so hard not to talk to her at work, but the energy between us is the same and I forget. There’s even been one occasion when I could’ve leaned over and kissed her and very nearly did! I love her and always will but I have to stop forgetting as it’s going to truly break me if I don’t. I just wish the energy felt different!

I miss everything about her, apart from the clutter. That I couldn’t stand but then I would’ve began tidying like I had already started to. She was my everythimg, I just wasn’t actually hers.

I worry about having bound our souls to one another. I’ve looked everywhere, to undo something so permanent in the last 5 months. It isn’t possible and that only leaves one chance is that one of us doesn’t come back, thus undoing it.

Oh and the fuck buddy has become persona non grata.

Having a fuck buddy again

I met him a week ago for a drink and was easy conversation, so I asked him back to mine! Haven’t done that in so many years!

Anyway, fast forward to yesterday morning and I’m sitting there telling him about the first time I met Her. I was shocked as not only did I start out of the blue (although we were talking about reincarnation at the time!), but I didn’t realise I could vividly picture it in my head.

I mean by that, that I could physically see the whole afternoon in my mind. I told him how I felt that day and about seeing her for the first time. 

I’ll set the scene on how I was first though! Picture this skinny little thing with a huge chest, both nipples newly pierced as well as a fresh piercing somewhere else too! Oh and hungover, really really hungover!!! So much so I could barely take my sunnies off when I got there as even under the shade it was killing me!

So I’m hunched over leaning on my knees trying to be easy on the piercings and I look up. There’s this girl over the other side of the table in a long black sloppy Joe type dress, talking to a little girl. Her hair was partly up with little stray curls here and there. I don’t know what happened then but I then couldn’t take my eyes off of her all afternoon! 

She was, to be very honest the opposite of what I was looking for, but something connected us there in that second and I’m not sure that connction will ever go! I’ve never told anyone that until I told him yesterday, not even Her.

Just as well he’s a fuck buddy otherwise he’d be running for the hills! Ha ha And on that note, sex is amazing!!! I’d forgotten just how much I love anal!!!

Blast from the past

Saw my brother from another mother today for the first time in forever. Was good to see them and finally meet the little girl who’s almost walking. 

I lost a lot of people because of her and who she was talking to at any one time when I think back, and probably why I’ve been feeling so lonely recently. But it’s heartening to realise that it wasn’t about me and all about her. But then she never could see how selfish she was,  she doesn’t even put her own child before herself. 

But regardless my life moves on and things get better as the time passes. 

I met up with someone from Grindr on Thursday and he was actually nicer than the pic he sent me! We got on pretty well and I thought fuck it so invited him back to my place for a smoke. Well the inevitable happened (several times Thursday and twice again Friday morning!) and I let him stay over when I wouldn’t normally. 

Before we had sex he said he wanted to say something and it was that he’d like to see me again and again.  😉 I’m not sure if he will call me or I will call him but the sex will keep me going for a couple of days anyway (fuck who am I kidding! I’m horny as fuck still)!  He’s certainly not someone I see myself with in a long term relationship but I can see me having fun with him,  by fun I mean sex!  And,  he might be someone to actually play with as it was amazing to see his cock harden the instant I bit his nipples!  Ha Ha ha

I certainly want to have sex with him again that’s for sure although wish his cock was wider than it is as he’s not very big. Average size mind you,  but I was hoping for something a bit bigger. 

I think I really like cocks!  Probably just as well I don’t have one as not sure I’d be able to stop playing with it! I couldn’t stop touching his Thursday night so much so that he said he needed a break. It didn’t last long I can tell you! 

Anyway sex I love sex!  In a way I didn’t with her. I wonder if it was her other habits that just kinda was putting me off recently and that was it because I’m like a rabbit on heat right now. Hence the hookup on Thursday! But the urge is still there for a woman too,  looks like I’m definitely swinging both ways and not more interested in one than the other. 

Roll on next sexual encounter!  Really like doggy style!  😊 

Another Friday…..

I used to love Fridays. But that was before, when I had someone to spend my free time with. Now I dread them as, as much as I try, I can never find friends who are free to just do something at short notice! About a week in advance is really as far as I’ve been planning! Although I have my birthday sorted and flights booked to Perth already for September! 

I had to as not only would we have been in the UK, but we would also have been meeting up with friends from Queensland who will also be there at that time too! The thought of doing nothing and being by myself was just too much to have to bear, so I’m going to stay with my cousin and have a laugh like we always do.

Today I got up when it was dark as I was due to give a presentation on trans health and I still hadn’t actually written the damned thing!! So I was at my desk by 7am and had the presentation written and dancing over the screen by 9am just in time to prepare for a 9.30am meeting which went on until the presentation time of 10.30am! Needless to say and just my luck but there was about 20 people actually turned up! Thankfully the presentation went off alright and my co facilitator of these network meetings said it was great! Just didn’t want to feed them the usual crap that you normally get around trans health delivered by a cisgender person that really can try and understand all they want but will never get it! 

Anyway, then another meeting with one of my team who needed reminded of how awesome he actually is!  Then grabbed some sushi for lunch and put together resources to send to the attendees. That’s been my day! Next week I’ll be playing catch up before being out of the office at a suicide prevention consultation and mental health forum for 2 full days all up! Not including travel time to and from these events! 

Meanwhile, what will I do this weekend???? Probably go into work and sit my assessment for the JP (Qual.) Training I did at the beginning of the week! All 3.5 hours of it! 

Does anyone want to come and beat me senseless?? (I’m serious! Could really do with a flogging!)

Another day in paradise….

Well I’ve spent the last 3 days in a training course to become a JP. It was something I was asked to do in a previous job and always wanted to do but couldn’t until I became a citizen which took a while due to name changes and the resulting documentation required for everything that entailed. 

So I just need to sit the assessment which is open book thankfully but requires 100% because of that. 3.5 hours to do it in so think that will have to happen at work due to my dodgy internet here at home. Intend to do that as soon as I receive my login for it. 

It was a really interesting course dealing with a lot more than I had realised beyond the usual certifying of documents, stat decs and witnessing affidavits. Also involves land titles, divorce papers, proof of life and all manner of documents and duties such as hearing bail applications and approving summons and warrants for a number of things. 

Last night I went to dinner and then the ballet with a lovely gent who is becoming a good friend and who perhaps there might be more if circumstances would allow, although I’m not sure either of us are in the place for that right now.

At the moment this blog is private and no one can actually see it apart from me! Maybe I’ll change that soon, who knows though! (Public already!)

Life is moving on and it’s been 4 months exactly, feels like forever yet feels like just a moment too. I wonder why I can’t get her out of my head and heart, but that’s not done me any good these past 4 months just like trying to figure her out haven’t.

Perhaps it’s the D/s I miss more than anything? It certainly was full on when she left here so perhaps that’s why it’s so difficult to get rid of the feelings I still have? Either way life is actually moving on and I am becoming more content as the days go by, living and being by myself. I always did enjoy my own company but not too much and sometimes it is too much right now.

The main need though? To actually be on my knees for someone, that need drives me daily and is always at the forefront of my thoughts. I don’t care whether the person I serve is male or female or somewhere in between as long as there is a connection between us. Whether it’s a sexual relationship is another matter, again there would have to be a connection as I cannot separate feelings if sex was also included within my service.

I suppose it’s going to take a while especially when I no longer go to events but perhaps people I know can introduce me to someone?!

Anyway working tonight as volunteers event on with work for volunteers week, so that’s all for today.

A simple thing like a haircut!

So anyone who knows me will know I don’t like to be touched constantly or even at all unless during sex.

I can actually tell you the last time someone touched me to the date which is surprising as it was back months ago now! 

I’m sitting in the barbers chair nearly 10 days overdue for my cut and the girl who most often cuts my hair is holding my head with one hand and cutting the other. 

Before I even felt it my eyes had welled up and I was fighting the urge to ball my eyes out! I miss being touched, and I think that because I was touched so much when we were together that I could actually handle a lover touching me for a period of time now.

I’ll say it again in case I didn’t get it! I MISS BEING TOUCHED!!!! 

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