Phoenix Wolf Rising


Just another day 

So she asked her girlfriend to marry her at the weekend. I was initially hurt until I realised that it was her doing the asking and that as it was pointed out to me, desperately trying to replicate everything she had with me. 

I laughed hard at how sad it all is. she’s totally gone in the head. How she expects anyone to take her seriously about relationships when just 10 months ago she was engaged to me I’m not sure. I wouldn’t have felt this way if it was the girlfriend asking her I’m sure. The fact that it was her just makes her seem so sad and desperate. And I suppose with the damage she’s done to her own reputation trying to ruin mine it’s only natural that people are now going to be laughing at her.

I’m actually lucky that I’m out of the circus she constantly has around her. I’m glad it’s all happened as I finally saw what was right in front of me the whole 5 years. My boss told me the day after she left that this was a good thing. That I had lots going for me without her holding me back. I hadn’t realised that she had been. But there you go, my time since she’s been gone has proven that she was just holding me back. 

I wish I could’ve seen it earlier before I got her a job at my work. Then drama she causes pretending that I’ve slighted her in some way is becoming desperate and pathetic. She’s going to end up with nothing the way she behaves.

Anyway wanted to write this down for prosterity as they say! 


The month that was! 

I’m not actually sure where it’s gone. November that is! I must have blinked and missed it! We held a successful awards night and attended first Christmas function, I’ve been at numerous breakfast and evening meetings and it’s been a bit much but I’ve even fitted in pt. Sessions! Worth it though as I’m REALLY liking the shape I’m turning into 😁

But ever present he is always there (I know! You should never start a sentence with but or however! Fuck that I like to!). His breath is icy cold on the back of my neck my whole body on edge waiting. I’ve no idea what I’m waiting for, but that’s the feeling. I’m waiting for something but I’ve no idea what! It’s driving me insane and reading his writing makes me realise, although I’ve already said it, that I was being scent trained, but I’m not sure if it was intentional or not. Today he smelt different yet it didn’t stop me from reacting the same way! (I even remember the thought passing through my head that he could wear anything and it would make me melt just smelling his scent mixed in with it!) God dammit! If it was unintentional then we are both of us in trouble! 

I have the link to his blog now! Shit I’m about to see properly inside his head and the answers to the questions left unsaid until now. 

Busy busy busy

Doing way too many hours recently. Find myself working a lot and so I’ve been staying offline of an evening so that I’m actually taking a break. Been thinking about a lot today. Am sure it’s my wedding anniversary today. Is it bad that I’ve already forgotten? 

I am so not getting into another relationship again! I’m 52 and I’ve nothing to show for all the years I’ve worked due to bad choices in women! 

I think always suspected that she was going to leave me. I spent months even before she met the girlfriend watching her when she slept trying desperately to burn the image in my brain. I think that’s why I so very quickly realised what was happening with the girlfriend. I’m glad I wasn’t an idiot and left it all to them both. 

I’d be still struggling yet trying to get a house together again! Anyway off to bingo for a change! 😂😂😂

Life is passing me by and that’s ok 😁

Life is passing me by and that is totally ok! I’m busy still at work or work related things that I find hard to separate into personal and work. 

I think I’m making a difference and I keep thinking how many people I help outside of work hours and it doesn’t matter whether I’m hiding from life or whether what I want just doesn’t matter anymore. 

I suspect the former though! 

My love, as I’ve began to think of him in my head! Oops!!! Yep think without realising I’ve begun to fall for him, which is NEVER good!!!!! Anyway he asked me to be one of his bunnies tonight and again he held me like no one else ever has. 

It’s almost like when he puts his arms around me that my whole body is held. I think I’m just lonelier than I realised as surely my heart wouldn’t take me to a place where there was no hope? 

Masochist or what???

I either need a fucking or a life! And on that note am away to watch shit on tv and get stoned. 

Busy life

I’ve been busy, really busy! And I’ve got the start of another cold! 20 days later than my last post and now! I’m just needing some time when I’m not running around like a crazy person! 

So she called the police about her stuff in the garage! Shows what an idiot she is that she thought they’d force me to allow her free access when I’m not there which is what she wanted. She didn’t tell them I’d already been offering her access for months or to give me boxes to pack her stuff for her to pick up!  I’m done, really done! She’s stooped so low that I now regret ever meeting her. I became a JP the day before too and had been really proud and happy for the first time in a while! 

Seems to be her game though that she sees me happy and then does something to fuck with me. If she’s so happy why is she so involved with revenge when I haven’t done a thing!???

I took her forgranted but I also trusted her that I was her one and our relationship was paramount! She’s a liar about everything, I feel sorry for the bogan she’s living with. One day she will get the same treatment, except she’s likely to retaliate, nothing surer! 

She’s welcome to that toxic drama every day she’s with her! I had nothing but drama and even now that I want nothing to do with her she’s still trying to create drama for me! 

I’M DONE THIS TIME.  FINALLY!  She’s gone too far, now I just want her gone. I’ve got my life and it’s peaceful without her in it. That’s the way it’s staying too! 

Running on empty

I’m exhausted and am coming down with something. 6 weeks being in charge then trying to fit a week’s work into a day and a half, being asked if I was a lesbian (c’mon!!! I have a goatie beard and moustache! I do keep them trimmed short but they are visible!) And then spending 4 days in a row at Suicide Prevention Australia Conference! 

Was glad to spend Saturday afternoon with friends. I was meant to be meeting a couple for drinks at night, but they hadn’t been in touch and I felt so shitty so didn’t contact them either. I ended up lying on the couch with hot blackcurrant and honey with paracetamol chasers! Well sleeping to be more precise! Wakened at 2.47am and didn’t sleep very long in bed before finally getting up at 7.30am. 

Anyway that curtailed my Sunday as still felt shitty so no memorial garden for me! Work instead for most of day before ditching my plans for the evening as again the couch beckoned, this time to 1.42am! Am taking Thursday and Friday off! 

Hopefully I can get through two days audit! 😂

I never learn with some people 

I really never do! I get taken advantage of and there is nothing like the sour taste of such terrible treatment at the hands of someone you love! 

But that’s just it really, I took her forgranted when she was with me, (I can no longer say convincingly that she was ever MINE,) but I feel guilty and stupid that I lost her. 

That smarter part of me tells me that she’s incapable of love or consideration of anyone other than herself and that this is what she does, she has history and here’s even more for me. So many people believe that. That and she just pretended to need comforted so she got what she wanted it and then when she didn’t need it anymore, she would just do what she wanted and break the rules.

Whatever scenario is correct, I won’t retaliate. I actually physically can’t! If I could I would have by now and there’s tons of things I could do, I just cant! You see when I said forever, I ACTUALLY meant it! 

However, when I was sitting at my desk writing an issues paper about LGBTI domestic and family violence all I could think of was I’m not the person she thinks I am! It’s like she’s never known me at all. It’s really sad that she thinks I’m this other person, one because we were together almost 5 years and what a waste and 2 that she really never did love me, I was just a shiny new project that she grew tired of just like everything she starts and doesn’t ever finish.

I actually felt really sorry for her until I saw her face today when I started to speak to her. I knew straight away she was about to run out and make a scene, it’s what she does when she doesn’t want to explain herself! 

She forgets the most important, actually the most vital thing! The power of 3.

The joys of being a teenager are many!!!

I was recently speaking to someone about this second puberty and how awful but not quite so this one is compared to the first one! 

It breaks my heart hearing yet another young person is being forced to endure a puberty that may break them. I could talk at long length about these issues, but this is not the place for them and skill get to the point.

I was stood up last night! I’ve only ever been stood up once before on my 21st birthday! I’m not sure how I feel about it either. Last night I was glad as I really didn’t feel like being sociable and apart from sex which I am almost getting desperate for I wasnt missing anything. I actually enjoyed my night in watching tv with everything else switched off! 

Anyway looks like I still need to find a fuck buddy as not acceptable to not even text! I cancelled date I had for tonight too with a new guy as just not in the mood, pity they couldn’t unscrew their cocks and I could just borrow it and hand back when I was satisfied! 😂

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy! 

I got drunk last night for the first time in forever! I laughed, smiled and chatted to people like I was happy and relaxed. But if they had really paid attention they would’ve seen how quickly I was knocking back those rums! 

I’m just lonely I keep telling  myself! 

I miss her more than I can put into words. I miss being at her feet, I believed for the first time that I would be there forever just days before she left. I constantly have panics in my head for no reason.

So I stopped writing there and this is me 3 days later! Calm again! I think it was because I missed my shot for a couple of days, my hormones are a pain and react quickly to any change! 

But it’s true I miss her more than I can put into words. I try so hard not to talk to her at work, but the energy between us is the same and I forget. There’s even been one occasion when I could’ve leaned over and kissed her and very nearly did! I love her and always will but I have to stop forgetting as it’s going to truly break me if I don’t. I just wish the energy felt different!

I miss everything about her, apart from the clutter. That I couldn’t stand but then I would’ve began tidying like I had already started to. She was my everythimg, I just wasn’t actually hers.

I worry about having bound our souls to one another. I’ve looked everywhere, to undo something so permanent in the last 5 months. It isn’t possible and that only leaves one chance is that one of us doesn’t come back, thus undoing it.

Oh and the fuck buddy has become persona non grata.

Having a fuck buddy again

I met him a week ago for a drink and was easy conversation, so I asked him back to mine! Haven’t done that in so many years!

Anyway, fast forward to yesterday morning and I’m sitting there telling him about the first time I met Her. I was shocked as not only did I start out of the blue (although we were talking about reincarnation at the time!), but I didn’t realise I could vividly picture it in my head.

I mean by that, that I could physically see the whole afternoon in my mind. I told him how I felt that day and about seeing her for the first time. 

I’ll set the scene on how I was first though! Picture this skinny little thing with a huge chest, both nipples newly pierced as well as a fresh piercing somewhere else too! Oh and hungover, really really hungover!!! So much so I could barely take my sunnies off when I got there as even under the shade it was killing me!

So I’m hunched over leaning on my knees trying to be easy on the piercings and I look up. There’s this girl over the other side of the table in a long black sloppy Joe type dress, talking to a little girl. Her hair was partly up with little stray curls here and there. I don’t know what happened then but I then couldn’t take my eyes off of her all afternoon! 

She was, to be very honest the opposite of what I was looking for, but something connected us there in that second and I’m not sure that connction will ever go! I’ve never told anyone that until I told him yesterday, not even Her.

Just as well he’s a fuck buddy otherwise he’d be running for the hills! Ha ha And on that note, sex is amazing!!! I’d forgotten just how much I love anal!!!

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